It’s so unfair, when the victim pays for the crime. When the abuser moves on like nothing had happen, while the victim cannot move on, because of the deep trauma. For a long time I lived in fear, to tell my story. Earlier, you beat me bloody. You caught me up in fear. You threatened me, told me what will happen if I ever opened my mouth. I’m done being scared. I’m done being a victim in silence! You almost took my life, choking me, again and again and again…. etc. This is the truth.
Warning for strong content!
I remember that specific time. I was afraid, and I couldn’t relax. You were irritated when I came home, for no special reasons. My phone rang. It was my dad. I answered and started to have a daily conversation with him. Suddently you wanted to talk with my dad on the phone. I started to feel dizzy While geting a bad feeling in my gut. ”How could you do this do your own daughter? You have my made her totally crippled! She cannot clean, do the dishes, do laundry, vacuum or anything!! You fucking made your fucking daughter crippled!!”. I froze. I couldn’t breath. Until then at least you had shown the curtisy to show respect to my parents… No matter what you putted me through you put on a ‘fake face’ when you meet them or talked to them. I knew this was bad news. I knew something bad would happen next.. You started to scream out your lungs, spitting while you ‘talked’ etc.. Suddently, I heard that you were threatening my dad because of what ‘he had turned me into’. You screamed that you were going to cut his legs of and show him real manhood. Then you clicked. I was so scared I couldn’t move a muscle. Suddently you were all quiet again. You walked to the windows. Looked out. Cold as ice. You told me: ”Today you will die. This time you won’t make it out of here alive”. I freaked out as I tried to run towards to the door. But you were already on me, choking me. Not like you used to do (yeah this is a fucked up sentence I know..). This time you choked me like I would never see tomorrow. I was so scared and I couldn’t move. I panicked and couldn’t breath at all. I couldn’t get out if your grip even how much I tried too. I was ready to let go. I was so tired at this point.. tired on life. Tired of the abuse.. tired of living in a nightmare.. tired of being totally controlled. Tired of all the lies and bullshit I had to tell me family and friends because I was so afraid to tell the truth. But as I was ready to let go. I heard your voice.. : ”After I’m done killing you. I’ll go after your family. And they won’t even see it coming..”. Suddently I snapped out of if. I got filled with an adrenaline that I have never felt before. I remember giving you such a kick that you flied across the room in a chock. I took my chance and ran towards the door. But the irony kicked in.. the safety lock was locked. The lock to keep me safe.. anyhow I managed to open the door but I only was able to take one step outside the apartment before you dragged me inside again. At this point I had so much panic I couldn’t stop screaming. I was terrified. Still no neighbours reacted.. You told me to stop screaming. But I couldn’t. Suddently I felt a couple of quick punches straight to my face. I got all silent. I felt a weird feeling. Something felt wrong. I saw it on your face. You were shocked aswell. You told me to clean myself up in the bathroom. I went to the bathroom. Looked myself in the mirror. My tooth was punched back into my palate. My lip and nose were bleeding. My eye was all read. And my chin hurt. I washed away all cried out mascara. And all the blood. I was speechless. I was in total shock. You told me to go into the kitchen. I sat down. All silent. The you went for a pen. A paper. And a knife. You gave me the pen and paper. Then you told me. Now is your chance to save your leg. It all depends on you. You are going to write down all the things that you are terrible at. And for everytime you leave something out I will press the knife harder against your leg. At this point I knew I had to save my life. I knew I had to took control over the situation somehow. I started writing everything I could think of. It didn’t matter if it was true or not. As long as you didn’t press that knife any harder amongst my leg. I saw how you enjoyed it. How amused you were. I looked at you. I knew It was now or never. I told you. I know this ain’t you. I know you would never do this to me. I know you got anger issues. Wake up. I love you. Please don’t hurt me. And I continued for a while. Until you broke down and started crying. I told you I knew this was all an mistake. You would never hurt me like this. I told you that I need to get to the hospital now and fix my tooth before it’s too late. Before everyone would see what had happen. You cried. You apologised. (#spitsinyourface). Then you let me out of the apartment taking me to the hospital lying to them that two girls had attacked me….And to the rest of the world.
I’m done being a victim in silence. You cannot silent me again. The only ‘respect’ I’ll show you, is to not write your name out. But that’s just for my own safety. You told everyone that everything I went through was because me. I had issues etc. Well guess what? What do you think the world thinks about people like you?Mhm.. I just hope your new girlfriend ain’t sitting where I once sat..
Sorry for the strong content. I just needed to get it off my chest.. This is my truth.
I loved myself too much to be sinking with your ship. I have too much respect for myself than to stay with somebody that don’t know my worth. I won’t accept to be abused and disrespected. I ain’t putting my self worth in someone else hands. Never again. Never let someone treat you bad. Never let someone tell you what your worth. Never let someone break down your selfesteem. Break free! Quick! I will never allow myself that, again!
So, It might not be on the cover of a magazine, but damn I’m proud of myself. I know that some of you might think, what is it in this picture to be proud of? Well let me tell you alittle without being too personal.
My life was on hold for a long time. I was struggling with my PTSD (Post -traumatic stress disorder) along with other personal matters. For a long time I watched people come and go. I watched people grow and get successfull. I was happy for them, but I knew I wasn’t ready to comit to something, or els I would fall apart, again. They were people who left me on the bottom, when I needed their support the most. And it were people that believed in me, to told me that what ever life throws at me, they knew that someday, I’ll be back on track, doing better than ever. My family never left my side. I cannot describe in words how much I love, appreciate, respect my family and these friends. I lost myself. My way. My ‘worth as a human being’.
But now the table is turning. And I am doing fine. I am grateful for having the opportunity to get back on track while doing the things I love. Fashion. Design. Jewellery. Drama|Theatre etc. These moments when I commit and don’t give up no matter how little I slept because my nightmares (yes, they still haunt me..) And my anxiety that comes with ptsd, I will not allow myself to quit.
This is just the start of a project I’m going to sew, this was just one step in the process. Still. I had a vision. And I’m going to make it happen. This is just proof to myself. That I will never give up and let that (sorry but not sorry) bastard win. I can. And I will. Watch me💋. I came a long way, I ain’t going back to that life.
Ps. By the way. If YOU are reading. This is a BIG rising middle finger to YOU for ‘having my in chains and locking me up in a cage’. He knows who he is. No names mentioned.
It’s been a lovely wednesday filled with creativity and passion.
I started out at nya verkstan, with my course in metal and design. I Just finished my first project (which gave me alot of ideas and inspiration) and started with a new project. I’m going to try out to make a silver bracelette, it’s fascinating to be able to start something from the beginning while seeing how it develops through the progress. It will be interesting to try this, since it’s a new technique for me. Afterwards I went to my drama course. It’s fun getting to know new people while growing and acting together. I really do love being aesthetic and creative, it brings joy, peace and happiness into my soul!! After finishing my day at Nya Verkstan, I then ended the day with a special meeting😍…but I cannot spoil any details yet.
Anyways, I’m grateful for being able to do the things I enjoy. Also for meeting such inspiring people and being part of their journey.
Warning for strong content! Sensitive people might not wanna read this.
So, I’ve been living with the diagnoses Ptsd (post traumatic stress disorder) for a while. Some days ain’t easy.. yesterday I had a terrible nightmare again. I dreamed of my ex again.
He was hitting me and name calling me. I was so scared. I always feel the pain as it’s in real life. I remember I said something about needed to go to the toilet. And when he turned around I ran to the balcony climbing down one stair. My adrenaline was pumping. I could feel the fear in my whole body. As I went inside the apartment under I saw his friend. As the same time we hushed each other so my ex * couldn’t hear. I understand that in real life some friends knew about the beating and the harassment I went through. And they didn’t support it As well. Anyhow I heard my ex scream up stairs. By then I was terrified he would find me. I ran out from the apartment outside. And I saw him running after me. I ran as fast as I can praying for my life. But he ran faster. He took up a knife and started stabbing me and carving on my skin. I could feel the pain as it was real. I begged for my life but he didn’t listen. Then I found my inner strength and hit him and ran from that fucktard (sorry but not sorry for my language). I ran until I found a tunnel. But people was haunting me from his request. I ran and I ran. But they were too many. They caught me and started cutting me with knifes as well, carving and cutting of body parts. I screamed from the pain begging them to stop while they threw acid on me.. the Pain was so real. I saw how my skin burned and disappeared along with my body parts.. suddenly and thank God my boyfriend woke me up asking if I had a nightmare because I was kicking in my sleep.. It felt like I had a heart attack when I woke up.
That is just one of manyyy nightmares. Fun, right? The nightmares and the flashbacks is still haunting me. Many years after. It almost feel like the memory of him is carved in my bones. It’s so deep. For me Having ptsd comes with many nightmares, unwanted flashbacks with traumatizing memories, insomnia, anxiety, fears, conentrations difficulties etc. I can be around people and have fun and suddenly I get inklusive memories flashing through my mind.. it’s hard sometimes when people don’t take my diagnoses serious. And question me. I’m trying to do my best, but living with ptsd is complicated.
At the moment I’ve been waiting 1,5 years for my next therapy because of the long que and doctors that screwed up. It gives me more anxiety but I’m trying to cope. Because. Seriously. I will never. Ever. Let that asshole win. I won’t surrender knowing that was what he wanted. I cut loose. I’m free. And I will never ever again let anyone take my freedom from me. Fuck that bullshit. That is a promise I made to myself a Long time ago.
I hope my readers never have have to live how I lived 💜. Have you ever been in a violent relationship? Please share your experience and comment💜
Wow. I won’t stop to be amazed how two faced people can be. This last couple of year I’ve been dealing with some serious amount of snakes. You know those happy smiles and greatings you get in your face, but as soon as you turn around their mouths starts pouring shit. I’m a genuine person, either I like you or not. I don’t feel the urge to play games or talk behind people’s backs. But these people honestly made me feel like going through high school again, ugh. Sorry but not sorry for my language but trust me, I’m done with fake ass bitches. I’ve had my fair share of drama in my life, and I’m not looking to fill my life with more.
Me and my awesome friend Citty 💕 who also took these pictures. Holla 😊
I need genuine, loyal, real and friendly people with good vibes around me. Not two faces people that drains my energy. I’m happy that I have a small circle around me who gets me. They know the truth about me and I don’t need to prove my self for anyone. I’m getting to old to get caught up in dramaqueens life’s. Don’t you ever feel like you’ve had enough? That’s where I’m at..
I don’t wanna feel imprisoned by people, I don’t owe them my loyalty. Nor do I owe them my inner harmony. I’ll save my energy for things that excites me instead. It just annoyes me that some people never tend to grow up. I feel that those people are being very toxic and judgemental, I don’t need that kind of mindset or mentality in my life. So I choose to take a step back and enjoy my life with rather more honest people. Sorry for taking your time while complaining this time. But I really needed this out of my system. I hope everything is good with you all 😚.
Hey Ladies & Gentleman, How Are you? Hope everything is awesome with you 😘. Sorry for bad updates, I just Been super Busy with life. But I promiss I’ll try to update more sweetiepies. I got a fun suprise seeing that new people is finding My blog, and following My page! So big thank you, and I hope you enjoy My content 💋.
Our cozy mood ☺️
I had an awesome weekend with P, Liz, Johannes & more friends. Started at the restaurant ordering my favorite pasta, Cajun Pasta & took a drink til. Cajun pasta is th shit! Afterwards me and P went to a gaming place called nerds & took some drinks while we played some old school games. When we were finished there I went to see Johannes to go and party alittle at golden hits. There we meet up some other friends, which was awesome. When the club closed we went to eat at kebab house (Daamn I love food).
Me and Johannes My bestie 💕 Me just chilling at el friendo’s place.
But I didn’t feel like ending a fun time so I went home with my Bestie Johannes to his apartment and lighted some candles, took a drink, sang and gossiped. I stayed there until 10 Am before I took a cab home to P ❤️💋. He was so cute BorrowIng me some cozy clothes so I could get out of my jumpsuit, corset & high heels 👠! My feet was killing me! But yeah, Today I feel all relaxed and namaste, without Any hangover.