”My bloody truth”..
It’s so unfair, when the victim pays for the crime. When the abuser moves on like nothing had happen, while the victim cannot move on, because of the deep trauma. For a long time I lived in fear, to tell my story. Earlier, you beat me bloody. You caught me up in fear. You threatened me, told me what will happen if I ever opened my mouth. I’m done being scared. I’m done being a victim in silence! You almost took my life, choking me, again and again and again…. etc. This is the truth.
Warning for strong content!
I remember that specific time. I was afraid, and I couldn’t relax. You were irritated when I came home, for no special reasons. My phone rang. It was my dad. I answered and started to have a daily conversation with him. Suddently you wanted to talk with my dad on the phone. I started to feel dizzy While geting a bad feeling in my gut. ”How could you do this do your own daughter? You have my made her totally crippled! She cannot clean, do the dishes, do laundry, vacuum or anything!! You fucking made your fucking daughter crippled!!”. I froze. I couldn’t breath. Until then at least you had shown the curtisy to show respect to my parents… No matter what you putted me through you put on a ‘fake face’ when you meet them or talked to them. I knew this was bad news. I knew something bad would happen next.. You started to scream out your lungs, spitting while you ‘talked’ etc.. Suddently, I heard that you were threatening my dad because of what ‘he had turned me into’. You screamed that you were going to cut his legs of and show him real manhood. Then you clicked. I was so scared I couldn’t move a muscle. Suddently you were all quiet again. You walked to the windows. Looked out. Cold as ice. You told me: ”Today you will die. This time you won’t make it out of here alive”. I freaked out as I tried to run towards to the door. But you were already on me, choking me. Not like you used to do (yeah this is a fucked up sentence I know..). This time you choked me like I would never see tomorrow. I was so scared and I couldn’t move. I panicked and couldn’t breath at all. I couldn’t get out if your grip even how much I tried too. I was ready to let go. I was so tired at this point.. tired on life. Tired of the abuse.. tired of living in a nightmare.. tired of being totally controlled. Tired of all the lies and bullshit I had to tell me family and friends because I was so afraid to tell the truth. But as I was ready to let go. I heard your voice.. : ”After I’m done killing you. I’ll go after your family. And they won’t even see it coming..”. Suddently I snapped out of if. I got filled with an adrenaline that I have never felt before. I remember giving you such a kick that you flied across the room in a chock. I took my chance and ran towards the door. But the irony kicked in.. the safety lock was locked. The lock to keep me safe.. anyhow I managed to open the door but I only was able to take one step outside the apartment before you dragged me inside again. At this point I had so much panic I couldn’t stop screaming. I was terrified. Still no neighbours reacted.. You told me to stop screaming. But I couldn’t. Suddently I felt a couple of quick punches straight to my face. I got all silent. I felt a weird feeling. Something felt wrong. I saw it on your face. You were shocked aswell. You told me to clean myself up in the bathroom. I went to the bathroom. Looked myself in the mirror. My tooth was punched back into my palate. My lip and nose were bleeding. My eye was all read. And my chin hurt. I washed away all cried out mascara. And all the blood. I was speechless. I was in total shock. You told me to go into the kitchen. I sat down. All silent. The you went for a pen. A paper. And a knife. You gave me the pen and paper. Then you told me. Now is your chance to save your leg. It all depends on you. You are going to write down all the things that you are terrible at. And for everytime you leave something out I will press the knife harder against your leg. At this point I knew I had to save my life. I knew I had to took control over the situation somehow. I started writing everything I could think of. It didn’t matter if it was true or not. As long as you didn’t press that knife any harder amongst my leg. I saw how you enjoyed it. How amused you were. I looked at you. I knew It was now or never. I told you. I know this ain’t you. I know you would never do this to me. I know you got anger issues. Wake up. I love you. Please don’t hurt me. And I continued for a while. Until you broke down and started crying. I told you I knew this was all an mistake. You would never hurt me like this. I told you that I need to get to the hospital now and fix my tooth before it’s too late. Before everyone would see what had happen. You cried. You apologised. (#spitsinyourface). Then you let me out of the apartment taking me to the hospital lying to them that two girls had attacked me….And to the rest of the world.
I’m done being a victim in silence. You cannot silent me again. The only ‘respect’ I’ll show you, is to not write your name out. But that’s just for my own safety. You told everyone that everything I went through was because me. I had issues etc. Well guess what? What do you think the world thinks about people like you? Mhm.. I just hope your new girlfriend ain’t sitting where I once sat..
Sorry for the strong content. I just needed to get it off my chest.. This is my truth.
Have you ever been in a toxic relationship?
