Warning for strong content! Sensitive people might not wanna read this.
So, I’ve been living with the diagnoses Ptsd (post traumatic stress disorder) for a while. Some days ain’t easy.. yesterday I had a terrible nightmare again. I dreamed of my ex again.
He was hitting me and name calling me. I was so scared. I always feel the pain as it’s in real life. I remember I said something about needed to go to the toilet. And when he turned around I ran to the balcony climbing down one stair. My adrenaline was pumping. I could feel the fear in my whole body. As I went inside the apartment under I saw his friend. As the same time we hushed each other so my ex * couldn’t hear. I understand that in real life some friends knew about the beating and the harassment I went through. And they didn’t support it As well. Anyhow I heard my ex scream up stairs. By then I was terrified he would find me. I ran out from the apartment outside. And I saw him running after me. I ran as fast as I can praying for my life. But he ran faster. He took up a knife and started stabbing me and carving on my skin. I could feel the pain as it was real. I begged for my life but he didn’t listen. Then I found my inner strength and hit him and ran from that fucktard (sorry but not sorry for my language). I ran until I found a tunnel. But people was haunting me from his request. I ran and I ran. But they were too many. They caught me and started cutting me with knifes as well, carving and cutting of body parts. I screamed from the pain begging them to stop while they threw acid on me.. the Pain was so real. I saw how my skin burned and disappeared along with my body parts.. suddenly and thank God my boyfriend woke me up asking if I had a nightmare because I was kicking in my sleep.. It felt like I had a heart attack when I woke up.
That is just one of manyyy nightmares. Fun, right? The nightmares and the flashbacks is still haunting me. Many years after. It almost feel like the memory of him is carved in my bones. It’s so deep. For me Having ptsd comes with many nightmares, unwanted flashbacks with traumatizing memories, insomnia, anxiety, fears, conentrations difficulties etc. I can be around people and have fun and suddenly I get inklusive memories flashing through my mind.. it’s hard sometimes when people don’t take my diagnoses serious. And question me. I’m trying to do my best, but living with ptsd is complicated.
At the moment I’ve been waiting 1,5 years for my next therapy because of the long que and doctors that screwed up. It gives me more anxiety but I’m trying to cope. Because. Seriously. I will never. Ever. Let that asshole win. I won’t surrender knowing that was what he wanted. I cut loose. I’m free. And I will never ever again let anyone take my freedom from me. Fuck that bullshit. That is a promise I made to myself a Long time ago.
I hope my readers never have have to live how I lived 💜. Have you ever been in a violent relationship? Please share your experience and comment💜
Wow. I won’t stop to be amazed how two faced people can be. This last couple of year I’ve been dealing with some serious amount of snakes. You know those happy smiles and greatings you get in your face, but as soon as you turn around their mouths starts pouring shit. I’m a genuine person, either I like you or not. I don’t feel the urge to play games or talk behind people’s backs. But these people honestly made me feel like going through high school again, ugh. Sorry but not sorry for my language but trust me, I’m done with fake ass bitches. I’ve had my fair share of drama in my life, and I’m not looking to fill my life with more.
Me and my awesome friend Citty 💕 who also took these pictures. Holla 😊
I need genuine, loyal, real and friendly people with good vibes around me. Not two faces people that drains my energy. I’m happy that I have a small circle around me who gets me. They know the truth about me and I don’t need to prove my self for anyone. I’m getting to old to get caught up in dramaqueens life’s. Don’t you ever feel like you’ve had enough? That’s where I’m at..
I don’t wanna feel imprisoned by people, I don’t owe them my loyalty. Nor do I owe them my inner harmony. I’ll save my energy for things that excites me instead. It just annoyes me that some people never tend to grow up. I feel that those people are being very toxic and judgemental, I don’t need that kind of mindset or mentality in my life. So I choose to take a step back and enjoy my life with rather more honest people. Sorry for taking your time while complaining this time. But I really needed this out of my system. I hope everything is good with you all 😚.
Hey Ladies & Gentleman, How Are you? Hope everything is awesome with you 😘. Sorry for bad updates, I just Been super Busy with life. But I promiss I’ll try to update more sweetiepies. I got a fun suprise seeing that new people is finding My blog, and following My page! So big thank you, and I hope you enjoy My content 💋.
Our cozy mood ☺️
I had an awesome weekend with P, Liz, Johannes & more friends. Started at the restaurant ordering my favorite pasta, Cajun Pasta & took a drink til. Cajun pasta is th shit! Afterwards me and P went to a gaming place called nerds & took some drinks while we played some old school games. When we were finished there I went to see Johannes to go and party alittle at golden hits. There we meet up some other friends, which was awesome. When the club closed we went to eat at kebab house (Daamn I love food).
Me and Johannes My bestie 💕 Me just chilling at el friendo’s place.
But I didn’t feel like ending a fun time so I went home with my Bestie Johannes to his apartment and lighted some candles, took a drink, sang and gossiped. I stayed there until 10 Am before I took a cab home to P ❤️💋. He was so cute BorrowIng me some cozy clothes so I could get out of my jumpsuit, corset & high heels 👠! My feet was killing me! But yeah, Today I feel all relaxed and namaste, without Any hangover.
Sometimes I tend to think a lot. Many thoughts spinning around my head at the same time, and I’m having trouble to filter. What’s the sound of the world, and what’s my sound? Of my own. I’m an hsp person (hypersensitive person), also an empath an having ADD. That mix makes me extra sensitive for impressions, and I tend to take it all in. I can easily feel the energies of other when people around doesn’t react. It can both be a gift and a curse, because people with negative energies get attracted to my energy. But I also tend to meet awesome people.
At the moment I feel I’m at a crossroad in life. I’m not sure where to go, or what my next move should be. But I’m moving, I’m just not sure what my destination is. I reasontly been through many struggles, but I feel like the sun is up at the moment. What ever difficulties life will throw at me, I’ll be ready to fight..
Today I’m having a chill day to start with, Done some Cleaning and had My coffee. Waiting for the clock to be 4:30 pm so I can go and buy a new bike 😍. It’s a pink ride and I fell in love Hihi. I need my motivation and to start training again, had a lazy summer while I only ate delicious food and goodies lmfao. But how nice that may sound, I gained a little. So now I need to get my shit together and start training again.
I got invited to participate in Portugals fashion week soon, so I really need to get my body in shape. Don’t have a lot of time so that means I’ll need to Go all-in. My goals is to get back My body. Don’t want to disappoint the designer Sonja ❤️. I an
So back on track. Let’s make this happen. I might be willing to post some before and after pictures later on. I hope everyone will have an magical weekend with lots of love and laughs.
I have always loved nature, since I was a little child. I was a wild child running crazy in the forest and climbing on trees and mountains. It gives me an inner harmony within, and silence my mind. In this weekend that past I was at a rave party with some friends, and I loved it! It’s a party in the middle of the nature with dj’s, and electronic music. Sometimes they decore the place with light effects, other decores like and fires, neon, etc. I felt alive partying in the middle of the nature, it was an awesome feeling!
Here are some pictures from the event/open air. If you have never tried going on a rave party I’d say try it at least one time in your life. This might not be for everyone, but it’s worth a try for the experience. I’ve gone to a couple of rave party’s myself, and some of them was like walking into a movie scene. Quite awsome if you ask me. The people there was very friendly and social. I meet a new bunch of people that seemed very nice. So this was my weekend, how was yours? 😘
I will always be a freespirit, whether society expect me to act different or not. I’m open minded and don’t like people that’s small minded. I got a big heart & craving for adventure. I got a big desire to explore and I have the feeling for wanderlust all the time. I got friends of both genders and I don’t see any problem with that. I don’t like the feeling that I’m tied to obligations or persons that helds me back. This post is a philosophy about life and my experiences when I lost one of the things I care about the most, my freedom. I have a body of a woman, a soul of a child, a mind of the free and the heart of the wild..
I choose to see the good in everyone, even though I get disappointed from time to time. I see the colors of people personalities and auras, not their ”race or skin color”. I believe in peace and freedom, maybe I’m somewhat a mix between a hippie girl and a gipsy. My ex boyfriend didn’t share my view of life and he was filled with judgement that he poured all over the place. He must have been filled with a lot of hate, because too often that was all I heard or experienced with him. He held me back, from friends, family and life in total.
He isolated me, and broke me down. Put me through beatings both physical and emotional abuse, until I lost everything that stood for me. He was trying to ‘build the perfect woman’ (like a perfect being exist for the records) like He was ordering personality traits or looks from a catalog. I wasn’t enough for him, and I didn’t fit inside his box (even though I should have shoved that box up his a long time earlier) I was honestly scared for my life because of that psycho, and he honestly threaten to kill my whole family if I didn’t play along with his sick games.. I might tell you more in details in the future, but at the moment I’m having thoughts about my safety and will keep the details for myself. But then one day, after he had beaten me up so bad I had to go to the dental to get my tooths back in place I finally had enough.
I decided That Never again will I be offended, beaten, harassed, made small, threathened and be treated like a human doll again. So I started to figure out how I would leave him. And even though it took quite some time, I finally had my freedom back (these type of guys are very dangerous). Never again will I allow myself to be treated like that again, and never again will I never lose my personality, view of life and my freedom. I was born into this world as a free spirit and I’ll leave this world as a freespirit ❤️.
Hope you liked the reading and I hope you’ll leave a comment so I can go over and check out your blogs as well. Have an awesome day.